My name is Suzanna, and I have Addison's Disease.
haha, there I said it. now, how do I learn to accept it? This crazy disease is ruling my life, and I want it to stop now! I HATE it! I want to be normal, be back to feeling normal, be okay.
(this is a pity party if you were wondering...)
One day at a time, one moment at a time.
Then my mind starts racing and I think the worst. I tell myself, "I won't be able to work... I won't be able to support myself. Then what will I do?" ugh, why do I take my fears to the absolute worst? how about just worrying about today for a change?
While I'm letting the world into my pity party, I might as well admit that I'm mad at God. I'm mad that I can't be a healthy 24 year old. I'm mad that I have to worry about which medicine to take when, and constantly evaluate what my body is trying to tell me. I'm mad that I can't be at work right now. I'm mad that I now have 10 prescription medications to keep track of.
People are telling me that I have to let myself grieve. I guess this is it. I've cried more this week than I have in months.
I need to tell you something else though. I have to trust God despite all of this. That doesn't mean every moment I feel full of peace, that my heart and mind aren't filled with turbulence, or that the panic attacks stop coming. It does mean that I run back to Him each time my faith wavers, and that He is there even when I don't feel strong or brave or happy or ready to deal with life...
He has a plan for me, and a plan for this time in my life. I'm mad about it, and I'm not sure I'm ready for His plan. However I do know that He wants to give me good things, and He loves me even more than I can imagine.